Saturday, February 26, 2000
BY ROBERT KIRBY
SALT LAKE TRIBUNE COLUMNIST
I'm in charge of the ward's annual magazine drive. The logic in bishopric meeting must have run something like "Hey, Brother Kirby writes stuff in magazines. Let's dump . . . I mean let's call him."
Actually, hawking church publications is an easy job. Whether out of genuine desire or spiritual obligation, nearly everyone signs up for one or more. It's a captive readership. I'm raking in the bucks. Too bad I can't keep it.
The money got me thinking. If I could publish more mainstream LDS magazines, I might push subscriptions next year and make a gob of money instead of just blessings like I'm getting this year. Tell me you wouldn't subscribe to at least one of these new LDS publications:
A Frantic Monthly
Magazine for the LDS primary organization. A fresh, non-chemical way of keeping pace with the modern Mormon child. A must for teachers and nursery workers driven weekly to the edge of insanity by the task of nurturing future apostates and apostles.
Slanted toward the more liberal LDS male. Riveting articles for today's Mormon hedonist. Beautifully illustrated, each issue contains a fold-out of the modestly attired Helpmate of the Month along with her spiritual turn-ons and favorite potluck recipes. Praymate of the Year for 1995 was Sister July.
A Prayboy knock-off. Monthly publication for the "telestial spirit and proud of it" Mormon male.
Tune in, turn on and exercise your testimony. Voted today's best alternative magazine for LDS liberals. Fringe articles and reports on what's hot and what's not in the underground of Mormondom. 1999 Pulitzer Prize for "It Ain't Rock 'n Roll and I Don't Have to Like It."
God & Ammo
The magazine for fundamentalist Mormons. Get the latest news on guns, ammo and who God says needs shooting the most in these the latter days. Most up-to-date news on the gospel of love and target acquisition. "Jesus Wants Me for a Sniper" voted best column in America. Cost for 12 issues is a low $29.95 plus ATF seizure of your temple recommend.
Road & Tracting
Takes readers to the cutting edge of LDS missionary transportation. Performance tips on under-powered fleet cars as well as how to get the most out of your monthly mileage allotment without resorting to falsehood. Pulitzer Prize nomination for "Bikes That Outrun Third World Dogs."
Periodical with the modern LDS woman in mind. Health tips for low-fat testimonies and celestial thighs. Recipes for sacrament-meeting snacks that really keep those kids quiet. Plus, sizzling tips for putting wild romance back into the commandment of procreation. Pulitzer Prize nomination for "Epidurals Precede the Miracle."
Better Temples and Gardens
For those Mormons serious about making their homes a little piece of heaven on earth. Gardening tips and tax advice on hiring church immigrants for domestic help.
Finally, a magazine for the Mormon feminist. Helpful articles and columns take the sting out of being priesthood-less in today's world. Bonus for early subscribers: Autographed copy of the best-selling "Ms. Melchizedek."
Reader's Digress Heartwarming stories of miracles you may simply have imagined. Catch the special condensed version of the Book of Mormon.
General Authority Quarterly
The magazine for the upscale priesthood holder. GAQ includes the latest in somber dress tips, sincere voice inflections, and what's hot in the scriptures. Sections on millennial forecasting and what it takes to be a power player in today's modern Israel. [an error occurred while processing this directive]